Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Temptress's Coffeepot: 10 Secrets of How To Achieve Bellydance Fame & Success...*

Looking for the fast track? Here it is!*

1) Haven't studied dance for very long? It's ok - you can mix a whole bunch of unrelated things together and call it fusion! Nobody will ever be the wiser, and you'll look super cool.

2) Still worried that your moves aren't up to snuff? Make sure to wear a bra that doesn't fit properly - whether it gives you sideboob, the cups aren't big enough, or the straps are too long, nothing will take the audience's attention away from poor technique like boobs that may burst out at any moment.  (For guys, this means wearing costuming that may reveal your prince at any moment, and/or which religion you could be.)

3) You know what else the audience loves to see? Your crotch and various shaving habits.  Nothing makes an evening of dance quite like a good shot of your crotch sans underwear. Woohoo! Or is that hoo-ha?  Bonus Tip: be sure all of your backbends are done with your crotch aimed at the audience.

4) Practicing with your prop is overrated. Props are just things to distract the audience anyway and keep them occupied. Bonus points if you have never even picked it up prior to going on stage before.

5) The height of theatrical proficiency is dropping your veil in the smack center of the stage...and then trampling over it several times during the course of your performance.  Exert your dominance over that veil!  And then be sure to bend over to pick it up with your butt to the audience for that final view of you.

6) You don't actually NEED to study any other forms of dance you are thinking of fusing into your performances or costuming.  A half-hour of  watching Youtube videos should cover it. Who really wants to learn about appreciating culture and history? In fact, you can learn everything you need to know about bellydance from 6 weeks of classes...and then start teaching it!

7) Don't ever undercut for a performance - unless it's for exposure, then that is totally OK. Similarly, it's totally OK to bitch about people undercutting you for performing meanwhile supporting businesses that knock-off small community designers/artisans, and/or promote sweatshop work.  Also, don't forget to try and bargain down the services of photographers, musicians, and costumers - don't they KNOW who you ARE?

8) On that note....Want to be seen as a big-name?  Treat everyone else around you like peons - they will assume you have greater abilities and load reverence and respect upon you.  Because of course all the big-names must be divas.  Disrespecting everyone else is how you get up in the world.

9) ) When you get into the dressing room or green room, spread your stuff over EVERYTHING.  Yeah, there's 20 other folks who need to get in there too, but you got there first, and everyone will respect you for claiming your territory so gloriously. Obviously you are VERY important!

10) Lastly, whether you have already performed or are waiting to go on, do NOT pay attention to whomever is on stage.  Be sure to be extra loud in talking to your friends, extra snarky, especially near any video camera.  This dance is all about you anyway.

(*complete title is: "10 Secrets of How To Achieve Bellydance Fame & Success In All The Wrong Ways" - Happy April!)

1 comment:

  1. It's amazing how true this is of general paganism, too! ;)